Tarlton's Jests

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            <title>Tarlton's Jests (modern spelling)</title>
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            <p>Publication Information</p>
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         <sourceDesc>
            <p>This is for the Tarlton Project</p>
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         <div>
            <head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s Jests</head>
            <div>
            <head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s Court Witty Jests</head>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName> played the Drunkard before the
                  <persName>Queen</persName>.</head>
            <p><persName>the Queen</persName> being discontented: which <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               perceiving, took upon him to delight her with some quaint jest, whereupon he
               counterfeited ,<persName>a Drunkard</persName>, and calling for beer, which was
               brought immediately: Her Majesty noting his humor, commanded that he should have no
               more, for quoth she, he will play the beast, and so shame himself. Fear not you quoth
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, for your <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Alcohol" xml:space="default">beer</objectName> is small enough. Whereat her Majesty
               laughed heartily, and commanded that he should have enough.</p>
            <p>Noticing that <persName>the Queen</persName> was displeased,
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> decided to entertain her with a quaint jest; he
               pretended to be a drunkard and ordered a <objectName>beer</objectName> which arrived immediately. Her Majesty,
               noticing his state, commanded that he should have no more, saying “he will play the
               beast, and so shame himself.” “Fear not,” replied <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “for
               your beer is small enough.” Her Majesty laughed heartily, and commanded that he
               should have enough.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> deceived the Watch in <placeName>Fleet
                  Street</placeName>.</head>
            <p><persName><persName>Tarlton</persName></persName> having been late at the Court, and
               coming homewards through <placeName>Fleet Street</placeName>, he spied the watch, not
               knowing how to pass them, went very fast, thinking by that means to go unexamined:
               but the Watch-men perceiving that he shunned them, stepped to him, and commanded him
               (in <persName>the Queen</persName>’s name) to stand. “Stand”, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “let them stand that can, for I cannot.” So falling
               down as though he had been drunk, they helped him up, and so let him pass.</p>
            <p>On his way home from his late arrival at court, <persName>Tarlton</persName> spotted
               the watch in <placeName>Fleet Street</placeName>. Not knowing how to pass them, he
               went very fast, thinking that he would go unnoticed. However, the watchmen noticed
               that he shunned them, walked up to him and commanded him (in <persName>the
                  Queen</persName>’s name” to stand. “Stand”, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               “let them stand that can, for I cannot.” So falling down as though he had been drunk,
               they helped him up, and so let him pass.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> flouted a Lady in the Court.</head>
            <p>Upon a time, <persName>Tarlton</persName> being among certain ladies at a banquet
               which was at <placeName>Greenwich</placeName>, <persName>the Queen</persName> then
               lying there, one of the Ladies had her face full of pimples with heat at her stomach,
               for which cause she refused to drink wine amongst the rest of the Ladies, which
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> perceiving (because he was there of purpose to jest
               amongst them) said , “a murrain of that face which makes all the body fare the worse
               for it.” At which the rest of the Ladies laughed, and she blushing for shame left the
               banquet.</p>
            <p>Once upon a time, <persName>Tarlton</persName> was with a group of certain ladies at
               a banquet in <placeName>Greenwich</placeName>. <persName>the Queen</persName> was
               lying there while a woman with a face full of pimples put heat on her stomach. For
               this reason. She refused to drink <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Alcohol" xml:space="default">wine</objectName> with the rest of the ladies. Since he was
               there to jest for the ladies, <persName>Tarlton</persName> noticed and said, “a
               murrain of that face which makes all the body fare the worse for it.” The rest of the
               ladies laughed while the other woman blushed and shamefully left the banquet.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s opinion of Oysters.</head>
            <p>Certain Noblemen and Ladies of the Court, being eating of <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Food" xml:space="default">Oysters</objectName>, one of them seeing
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, called him, and asked if he loved Oysters. “No,”
               said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “for they be ungodly <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Food" xml:space="default">meat</objectName>, uncharitable meat,
               &amp; unprofitable meat.” “Why?” asked the Courtiers. “They are ungodly, because they
               are eaten without Grace; uncharitable, because they leave nought but shells: and
               unprofitable, because they must swim in wine.” </p>

<p>While eating oysters, certain Noblemen and Ladies of the Court, saw
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> and asked if he loved Oysters. “No,” said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “for they be ungodly meat, uncharitable meat, &amp;
               unprofitable meat.” “Why?” asked the Courtiers. “They are ungodly, because they are
               eaten without Grace; uncharitable, because they leave nought but shells: and
               unprofitable, because they must swim in wine.”</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s resolution of a question.</head>
            <p>One of the company taking the Gentlemans part, asked <persName>Tarlton</persName> at
               what time he thought the Devil to be most busy? “When the Pope dies,”
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> said. “Why?” asked the Courtier. “Marry,”
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> answered, “then all the devils are troubled and busy
               to plague him, for he hath sent many souls before him thither, that exclaime against
               him.”</p>
            <p>One of the people taking the Gentleman’s part, asked <persName>Tarlton</persName>, at
               what time he thought that the Devil would be the most busy? “When the Pope dies,”
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> said. “Why?” asked the Courtier. “Marry,”
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> answered, “then all the devils are troubled and busy
               to plague him, for he hath sent many souls before him thither, that exclaime against
               him.”</p></div>

<div><head>How a Parsonage fell into <persName>Tarlton</persName>s hands.</head>
            <p> Her Majesty dining in <placeName>the Strand</placeName> at the Lord Treasurers, the
               Lords were very desirous that she would vouchsafe to stay all night, but nothing
               could prevail with her. <persName>Tarlton</persName> was in his clown’s apparel,
               being all dinner while in the presence with her, to make her merry, and hearing the
               sorrow that the noblemen made that they could not work her stay, he asked the nobles
               what they would give him to work her stay. The Lords promised him anything, to
               perform it. He said, “Procure me the Parsonage of Shard.” They caused the patent to
               be drawn presently, he got on a Parsons gown, and a corner cap, and standing upon the
               stairs where <persName>the Queen</persName> should descend, he repeated these words,
               “a Parson or no Parson? a Parson or no Parson?” But after she knew his meaning, she
               not only stayed all night, but the next day willed he should have possession of the
               benefice. A madder parson was never, for he threatened to turn the Bel-mettel into
               lining for his purse, which he did, the parsonage and all, into ready money.</p></div>
            <div><head> How <persName>Tarlton</persName> proved two Gentlewomen dishonest by their own
               words.</head>
            <p>
               <persName>Tarlton</persName> seeing in <placeName>Greenwich</placeName> two
               Gentlewomen in the Garden together, to move mirth, comes to them, and enquires thus:
               “Gentlewomen, which of you two is more honest?” “I,” says the one, “I hope without
               exceptions” “I “ says the other, “since we must speak for ourselves” So then says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “One of you by your own words is dishonest, one
               being more than the other, else you would answer otherwise: but as I found you, so I
               leave you.”</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> answered a wanton Gentlewoman.</head>
            <p>A Gentlewoman merrily disposed, being crossed by <persName>Tarlton</persName>, &amp;
               half angry, said, “Sirrah, a little thing would make me requite you with a cuff.”
               “With a cuff Lady,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “So would you spell my sorrow
               forward, but spell my sorrow backward, then cuff me and spare not?” When the
               Gentlemen by, considered of the word, their laughing made the simple-meaning
               Gentlewoman to blush for shame.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> dared a Lady.</head>
            <p>At the dinner in the great chamber, where <persName>Tarlton</persName> jested, the
               ladies were daring one another: One of them said, “ I ever dared any thing that is
               honest and honorable.” “A French crown of that,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>.
               “Ten pound of that” says the lady. “Done” says one. “Done” says another.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> put a two-pence betwixt his lips, and dared her to
               take it away with her lips. “ Fie” says she, “that is immodesty.” “ What, to kiss,”
               says <persName>Tarlton</persName>? “Then immodesty bears a great hand over all: but
               once in your life say, you have been beaten at your own weapon.” “ Well sir,” says
               she, “you may say anything.” “Then,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “remember I
               say you dare not, and so my wager is good.”</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> landed at <placeName>Cuckold’s
               Haven</placeName>.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> being one Sunday at Court all day, caused a pair of Oars
               to tend him, who at night called on him to be gone. <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               being a carousing, drunk so long to the Watermen, that one of them was drunk, and so
               indeed were all three for the most part. At last they left
                  <placeName>Greenwich</placeName>, the tide being at a great low fall. The
               Watermen, afraid of the cross cables by the <placeName>Lime-house</placeName>, since
               it was dark and very late, landed <persName>Tarlton</persName> at
                  <placeName>Cuckold’s Haven</placeName>. They said the next day they would give him
               a reason for it. But <persName>Tarlton</persName> was faine to go by land to
                  <placeName>Redriff</placeName> on the dirty bank, every step knee deep. When
               coming home, he called one of his boys to help him off with his boots, meaning his
               stockings, which were dyed of another color. Whereupon one gave him this theme next
               day. <persName>Tarlton</persName> tell me, for fain would I know, If thou wert landed
               at <placeName>Cuckold's-haven</placeName> or no? <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               answered thus: Yes Sir, and I take it in no scorn, For many land there, yet miss of
               the horne.</p></div>
            <div><head> How <persName>Tarlton</persName> fought with <persName>Black Davie</persName></head>
            <p>Not long since, lived a little swaggerer called <persName>black Davie</persName>, who
               would at Sword and Buckler fight with any gentleman or other, for 12 pence. Having
               been hired to draw upon <persName>Tarlton</persName>, for breaking a jest upon
                  <persName>Huffing Kate</persName>, a prostitute as men termed her. One evening
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> coming forward at the Court-gate, at
                  <placeName>Whitehall</placeName>, and walking toward the tilt-yard, this
                  <persName>Davie</persName> immediately drew upon <persName>Tarlton</persName>, who
               on the sudden, though amazed, drew likewise, and inquired the cause, which
                  <persName>Davie</persName> denied, till they had fought a bout or two.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> courageously got within him, and taking him in his
               arms, threw him into the tilt-yard. He fell upon his nose, and broke it extremely.
               After that, he snuffled in the head. Poor <persName>Davie</persName> lying all that
               night in the tilt-yard, expecting the doors to be opened, came forth. At the Barber,
               <persName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" ref="http://id.lincsproject.ca/occupation/medicalDoctor" xml:space="default">surgeons</persName> told of this bloody combat, and the occasion of it was (according to him)
               because <persName>Tarlton</persName> being in a Tavern in the company of this
               damnable cockatrice <persName>huffing Kate</persName>, called for wine: but she told
               him that without he would burn it, she would not drink. “No” said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “it shall be burnt, for thou canst burn it without
               fire.” “ As how sir?” she said “marry thus, take the Cup in thine hand &amp; I will
               tell thee.” So he filling the cup in her hand, said it was burnt sufficiently in such
               a fiery place: she, perceiving herself so flouted, hired me to be her Champion to
               avenge her quarrell.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> answered the Watchmen coming from the Court.</head>
            <p>
               <persName>Tarlton</persName> having played before <persName>the Queen</persName>, 1
               o'clock am, coming homewards, one of them spied him, calling him, “Sirrah, what art
               thou?” “A woman,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>. “Nay that is lie,” said the
               Watchmen, “women have no such beards.” <persName>Tarlton</persName> replied, ‘If I
               should have said a man, that you know to be true, and would have bidden me tell you
               that you know not, therefore I said a Woman, and so I am all woman, having pleased
                  <persName>the Queen</persName>, being a Woman. “Well sirrah,” says another, “I
               present <persName>the Queen</persName>.” ‘Then am I a woman indeed,” says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “As well as you, for you have a beard as well as I,
               and truly Mistress Annis, my busk is not done yet, when will yours?” “Leave thy
               gybing, fellow,” said the Watchman, “<persName>the Queen</persName>’s will is that
               whosoever is taken without doors after ten o‘clock, shall be committed, and now it is
               past one. “Commit all such,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “for if it be past
               one o'clock, it will not be ten this eight hours.” With that, one lifts up his
               Lanthorne, and looks him in the face, and knew him. “Indeed, M.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, you have more wit than all we, for it is true that
               ten was before one, but now one is before ten.” “It is true,” said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>. “Watchmen had want to have more wit, but for want of
               sleep they are turned fools.” So <persName>Tarlton</persName> stole from them, and
               they, to seem wise, went home to bed.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>’s answer to a Courtier.</head>
            <p>
               <persName>Tarlton</persName> was at the Court all night. In the morning, he met a
               great Courtier coming from his Chamber. When he spied <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               he said, “Good morrow, <persName>Master Didimus</persName> and
                  <persName>Tridimas</persName>.” <persName>Tarlton</persName> being somewhat
               abashed, not knowing the meaning thereof, said, “Sir, I understand you not, expound I
               pray you.”The Courtier replied, “Didymus and Tridimas, is a fool and a knave.” “You
               overload me,” replied <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “for my back cannot bear both,
               therefore take you the one, and I will take the other. Take you the knave, and I will
               carry the fool with me.”</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s quip for a young Courtier.</head>
            <p>There was a young Gentleman in the Court, that had first lain with the Mother, and
               after with the Daughter, and having done so, asked <persName>Tarlton</persName> what
               it resembled. He said, “as if you should first have eaten the Hen, and after the
               <binaryObject cert="high" type="Food" xml:space="default">Chicken</binaryObject>.” </p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>’s answer to a Nobleman's question.</head>
            <p>There was a Nobleman that asked <persName>Tarlton</persName> what he thought of
               soldiers in time of peace? “Marry,” said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “they are like
               chimneys in summer.”</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest to an unthrifty Courtier.</head>
            <p>There was an unthrifty gallant belonging to the Court that had borrowed five pounds
               of <persName>Tarlton</persName>, but having lost it at dice, he sent his man to
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> to borrow five pounds more, by the same token he owed
               him already five pounds. “Pray tell your Master,” said <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               “that if he will send me the token, I will send him the money: for who deceives me
               once, God forgive him: If twice, God forgive him: but if thrice, God forgive him, but
               not me, because I could not beware.”</p></div>
            <div><head> How <persName>Tarlton</persName> flouted two Gallants.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> was in a merry vain, as he walked in the great Hall in
                  <placeName>Greenwich</placeName>. There he met my old <persName>Lord
                  Chamberlain</persName>, going between two fantastick gallants, &amp; cried aloud
               unto him, “My Lord, my Lord, you go in great danger.” “Where at?” he asked amazed.
               “Whereof?” “Of drowning,” replied <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “were it not for
               those two bladders under each of your arms.”</p></div>
         </div>
         <div>
            <head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s sound city jests.</head>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest of a red face.</head>
            <p>To an ordinary in the White Friars, where gentlemen used, by reason of extraordinary
               diet, to this <persName>Tarlton</persName> often frequented, as well to continue
               acquaintance, as to please his appetite: it chanced so upon a time (especially) being
               set amongst the Gentlemen and Gallants, they enquired of him why melancholy had got
               the upper-hand of his mirth, to which he said little, but with a squint eye, as
               custom had made him harried, he looked for a jest to make them merry; at last he
               spied one that sat on his left side, which had a very red face, he being a very great
               Gentleman (which was all one to <persName>Tarlton</persName> ) he presently in great
               haste called his host: “Who do I serve, my host?” asked <persName>Tarlton</persName>.
                  “<persName>the Queen</persName>’s Majesty,” replied the good man of the house.
               “How happens it then?” said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “that to her Majesty's
               disgrace, you dare make me a companion with serving men, clapping my Lord Chandos
               cullisance upon my sleeve, “looking at the Gentleman with the red face, me thinks
               quoth he, it sits like the Sarazen’s Head without Newgate: the Gentlemans salamanders
               face burnt like Aetna for anger, the rest laughed heartily: in the end all enraged,
               the Gentleman swore to fight with him at the next meeting. </p>

<p>There is an Ordinary in White Friars, where Gentlemen of extraordinary diet used to
               meet, and which <persName>Tarlton</persName> also frequented to both continue
               acquaintances and please his appetite. There came a time, when the Gentlemen and
               Gallants enquired of him why melancholy had gotten the upper hand of his mirth. To
               this he said little, but with a squint of his eye as custom had made him harried, he
               looked for a jest to make them merry; at last he spied one that sat on his left side,
               which had a very red face, he being a very great Gentleman (which was all one to
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> ) he presently in great haste called his host: “Who
               do I serve, my host?” asked <persName>Tarlton</persName>.</p>

<p> A sudden and dangerous fray, twixt a Gentleman and <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               which he put off with a jest.</p>
            <p>As <persName>Tarlton</persName> &amp; others passed along Fleet Street, he spied a
               spruce young gallant, black of complexion, with long hair hanging down over his ears,
               and his beard of the Italian cut, in white satin, very quaintly cut, and his body so
               stiff starched, that he could not bend himself any way for no gold.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, seeing such a wonder coming, trips before him, and
               meeting this gallant took the wall of him, knowing that one so proud, at least looked
               for the prerogative. The gallant scorning that a player should take the wall, or so
               much indignify him, turns himself, and presently drew his Rapier.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> drew likewise. The gentleman fell to it roundly, but
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> in his own defense, compassing and traversing his
               ground, gaped with a wide mouth, whereat the people laughed. The Gentleman pausing,
               enquired why he gaped so? “O, Sir,” says he, “in hope to swallow you, for by my
               troth, you seem to me like a prune in a mess of white Broth.” At this, the people
               parted them, the Gentleman noting his mad humor, went his way well contented, for he
               knew not how to amend it.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest of a Pippin.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName>’s jest of a Pippin. At the Bull in Bishopsgate Street,
               where <persName>the Queen</persName>’s Players often played,
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> came onto the Stage. One from the gallery threw a
               Pippin at him. <persName>Tarlton</persName> took up the Pip, &amp; looking on it made
               this sudden jest. “Pippin or nose in, choose you whether, Put yours in, or I put in
               the other. Pippin you have put in, then for my grace, Would I might put your nose in
               another place.”</p></div>
            <div><head> A jest of an Apple hitting <persName>Tarlton</persName> on the face.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> having flouted the fellow for his Pippin which he threw,
               he thought to be met with <persName>Tarlton</persName> at length, so in the Play
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>s part was to travel, who kneeling down to ask his
               Father blessing: the fellow threw an <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Food" xml:space="default">Apple</objectName> at him, which hit him on the cheek:
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> taking up the Apple made this jest. Gentlemen, this
               fellow with his face of mapple. Instead of a Pippin hath thrown me an apple: But as
               for an Apple he hath cast a <binaryObject cert="high" type="Food" xml:space="default">crab</binaryObject>, So instead of an honest woman God hath sent him a
               drab. The people laughed heartily, for he had a Queen to his Wife</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> and one in the gallery fell out.</head>
            <p>It chanced that in the middle of a play, after long expectation for
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, (being much desired of the people) at length he came
               forward: where at his entrance, one in the gallery pointed his finger at him, saying
               to a friend that had never seen him, “that is he.” <persName>Tarlton</persName> to
               make sport at the least occasion given him, and seeing the man point with one finger,
               he in love again held up two fingers: the captious fellow jealous of his wife (for he
               was married) and because a player did it, took the matter more heinously, and asked
               him why he made horns at him: “No” said <persName>Tarlton</persName>,” they be
               fingers:” For there is no man which in love to me Lend me one finger, but he shall
               have three. “No, no”, says the fellow,” you gave me the horns.” “True,” says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “for my fingers are tipped with nails which are like
               horns, and I must make a show of that which you are sure of.” This matter grew so,
               that the more he meddled, the more it was for his disgrace. Wherefore the standers
               counseled him to depart, both he and his horns, jest his cause grew desperate: so the
               poor fellow plucking his hat over his eyes, went his ways.</p></div>
            <div><head>How Fiddlers fiddled away <persName>Tarlton</persName>s apparel.</head>
            <p>It chanced that one fancy and nancy, a musician in London, used often with their boys
               to visit <persName>Tarlton</persName>, when he dwelled in Gracious Street, at the
               sign of the Saba, a Tavern, he being one of their best friends or benefactors, by
               reason of old acquaintance. To requite which, they came one summer's morning to play
               him the Hunts' up with such music as they had. <persName>Tarlton</persName>, to
               requite them would open his chamber door, and for their pains would give them
               muscadine: which a cony-catcher noting, and seeing <persName>Tarlton</persName> come
               forth in his shirt and night-gown to drink with these musicians, the while this
               nimble fellow stepped in, and took <persName>Tarlton</persName>’s apparel which every
               day he wore, thinking that if he were spied to turn it to a jest, but it past for
               current and he goes his ways: Not long after <persName>Tarlton</persName> returned to
               his Chamber, and looked for his clothes, but they were safe enough from him. The next
               day this was noised abroad, and one in the mockage threw him this Theme, he played
               then at the curtain. <persName>Tarlton</persName> I will tell the a jest, Which after
               turned to earnest: One there was as I heard say, Who in his shirt heard music play,
               While all his clothes were stolen away. <persName>Tarlton</persName> smiling at this,
               answered on the sudden thus: That's certain, Sir, it is no lie, That same one in
               truth was I: When that the thief shall pine and lack, Then shall I have clothes to my
               back: And I together with my fellows, May see him ride to Tyburn Gallows.</p></div>
            <div><head> Of <persName>Tarlton</persName> and a Beggar. </head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName>, I will tell thee a jest. Which after turned to earnest:
               One there was as I heard say, Who in his shirt heard music play, While all his
               clothes were stolen away. Of all other beggars most happy thou art, For to the my
               hand is better than my heart. Quoth the Beggar. True it is Master, as it changes now,
               The better for me, and the worse for you.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> deceived a Doctor of Medicine</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName>, to satisfy the humors of certain gentlemen, his
               familiar acquaintance, went about to try the skill of a simple Doctor of Medicine,
               that dwelt not fair from Islington, and thus it was. He took a fair Urinal, and
               filled it half full of good <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Alcohol" xml:space="default">wine</objectName>, and bore it to this doctor, saying, it was a sick
               man's water. The doctor viewed it, tossing it up and down, as though he had great
               knowledge. The doctor said, “The patient whose water it is, is full of gross humors,
               and hath need of purging, and to be let some ten ounces of blood.” “No, you dunce,”
               replied <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “it is good piss,” and with that drunk it off,
               and threw the urinal at his head.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> frighted a Country fellow.</head>
            <p>
               <persName>Tarlton</persName> passing through London, by chance he heard a simple
               country fellow in an Ale-house, calling for a Kingstone pot of Ale, stepped into him
               and threatened to accuse him of treason. He said, “Sirrah, I have seen and tasted of
               a penny pot of <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Alcohol" xml:space="default">Ale</objectName>, and have found good of the price, but of a Kingstone coin I never
               heard, therefore it is some counterfeit, and I must know how thou camest by it.”
               Hereupon the Country fellow was driven into such a maze, that out of doors he got,
               and took him to his heels, as though wildfire had followed him.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> was deceived by his wife in London.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> being merrily disposed, as his wife and he sat together,
               said unto her, “Kate, answer me one question without a lie, and take this crown of
               gold,” which she took on condition that if she lost, to restore it back again.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> asked, “Am I a cuckold, or not Kate?” Whereat she
               answered not a word, but stood silent. Notwithstanding, he urged her many ways.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> seeing she would not speak, asked his gold again.
               “Why?” she asked, “Have I made any lie?” “No,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>.
               ‘Why, then goodman fool, I have won the wager.” <persName>Tarlton</persName> mad with
               anger, made this rhyme: As women in speech can revile a man, So can they in silence
               beguile a man.</p></div>
            <div><head>One asked <persName>Tarlton</persName> what country man the devil was.</head>
            <p>In Carter Lane dwelt a merry <persName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" ref="http://id.lincsproject.ca/occupation/cobbler" xml:space="default">Cobbler</persName> who, being in company with
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, asked him from what country man the devil was.”
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> replied, “A Spaniard; for Spaniards, like the devil,
               trouble the whole world.”</p></div>
            <div><head>A Cheese-mongers question to <persName>Tarlton</persName>.</head>
            <p> In the time of scarcity, a simple cheesemonger hearing <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               commended for his quick wit, came unto him, and asked him why he thought cheese and
               butter to be so dear: <persName>Tarlton</persName> answered, because Wood and Coles
               are so dear, for Butter and cheese a man may eat without a fire.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>’s answer to a rich Londoner.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> meeting a rich Londoner, fell into talk about the Bishop
               of Peterborough, highly praising his bounty to his servants, his liberality to
               strangers, his great Hospitality and Charity to the poor. He doth well says the rich
               man, for what he hath is his but during his life. Why quoth
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, for how many lives have you your goods?</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> gave away his dinner.</head>
            <p>As <persName>Tarlton</persName> and his wife sat at dinner, his wife being displeased
               with him, and thinking to cross him, she gave away half of his meat unto a poor
               beggar, saying, take this for my other husband's sake. Whereupon
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> tooke all that was left, and likewise bad the poore
               fellow to pray for his other wives soule.</p>
            <p>As <persName>Tarlton</persName> and his wife sat at dinner, his wife being displeased
               with him, and thinking to cross him, she gave away half of his meat unto a poor
               beggar, saying, “take this for my other husband's sake.” Whereupon
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> took all that was left, and likewise bad the poor
               fellow to pray for his other wives soul.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>’s answer to a Boy in Rime.</head>
            <p>There was a crack-rope boy, meeting <persName>Tarlton</persName> in London street,
               sung this rhyme unto <persName>Tarlton</persName>. Woe worth thee
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, That ever thou wast born: Thy wife hath made thee
               Cuckold, And thou must wear the horn. <persName>Tarlton</persName> presently answered
               him in extempore. What and if I be (Boy) I am nary the worse: She keeps me like a
               gentleman, With money in my purse.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> bid himself to dinner to my Lord Mayors.</head>
            <p>A jest came in <persName>Tarlton</persName>s head where to dine, and thought he, in
               all that a man does, let him aim at the fairest, for sure if. I bid my self anywhere
               this day, it shall be to my Lord Mayors: and upon this, goes to the Counter and
               entered his action against my Lord Mayor, who was presently told of it, and sends for
               him. <persName>Tarlton</persName> waits dinner time, and then comes, who was admitted
               presently. Master <persName>Tarlton</persName>, says my Lord Mayor, have you entered
               an action against me in the Poultry Counter? My Lord, says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, have you entered an action against me in Woodstreet
               Counter? Not I in troth, says my Lord. No says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, he was a
               villain that told me so then: but if it be not so, forgive me this fault my Lord, and
               I will never offend in the next: but in the end he begins to swear, how he will be
               revenged on him that mocked him, and flings out in a rage, But my Lord said, stay M.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, dine with me, and no doubt but after dinner you will
               be better minded. I will try that my Lord, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, and if
               it alter mine anger, both mine enemy &amp; I will thank you together for this
               courtesy.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest of a box on the ear.</head>
            <p>One that fell out with his friend, meets him in the street, and calling him into a
               corner, gave him a boxe on the eare, and feld him, getting him gone, and never told
               wherefore he did so: which <persName>Tarlton</persName> beholding, raised up the
               fellow, and asked him the reason of their sudden falling out? can you tell Sir said
               the fellow, for by my troth as yet I cannot? Well said <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               the more fool you, for had I such feeling of the cause, my wit would remember the
               injury, but many men are goslings, the more they feel the less they conceive.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest to two Taylors.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> meeting two Tailors (friends of his) in the evening, in
               mirth cries, who goes there? A man answered a Taylor: How many are there? one: Yea
               said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, two said the other Taylor: then you say true, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>: for two Taylors goes to a man. But before they
               parted, they foxed <persName>Tarlton</persName>, at the Castle in Paternoster Row,
               that <persName>Tarlton</persName> confessed them two Taylors to be honest men: so
               what they spent in the purse they got in the person: coming but one by
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>s account, they returned two: but
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> coming one, returned less by his wit, for that was
               shrunk in the wetting.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> jested at his wife.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> and his wife keeping an ordinary in Paternoster Row, was
               bidden out to supper, and because he was a man noted, she would not go with him in
               the street, but intreats him to keeo one side and she another, which he consented to:
               but as he went he would cry out to her and say, Turn that way wife, and anon on this
               side wife: so the people flocked the more to laugh at them, but his wife more then
               mad angry, goes back again, and almost forswore his company.</p></div>
            <div><head> How <persName>Tarlton</persName> committed a Rakers horse to Ward.</head>
            <p>When <persName>Tarlton</persName> dwelt in <placeName>Gracious street</placeName>, at a Tavern at the sign
               of the Saba, he was chosen Scavenger: and often the Ward complained of his slacknes
               in keeping the streets clean: so on a time when the Cart came, he asked the Raker,
               why he did his business so slackly. Sir said he, my fore-horse was in the fault, who
               being let blood and drenched yesterday, I durst not labor him: sir said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, your horse shall smart for it, and so leads him to
               the Counter, which the Raker laughed at, and without his horse did his work with the
               rest, thinking <persName>Tarlton</persName>s humor was to jest, and would return him
               his horse again anon: but when that anon came, he was faine to pay all his fees of
               the prison, as directly as if he himself had béene there: for if
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> had committed the master, the business had not gone
               forward, therefore the horse was in prison for the Master.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> made Armin his adopted son to succeed him.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> keeping a tavern in <placeName>Gracious street</placeName>, he left it to
               another, who was indebted to Armin's Master, a Goldsmith in <placeName>Lombard Street</placeName>: yet he
               himself had a Chamber in the same house. And this Armin being then a wag came often
               thither to demand his Master’s money, which he sometimes had, and sometimes had not:
               in the end the man growing poore, told the boy he had no money for his Master, and he
               must bear with him. The man's name being Charles, Armin made this verse, writing it
               with chalk on a wainscot: O world how will thou lie, is this Charles the great? that
               I deny: Indeed Charles the great before, But now Charles the less, being poor.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> coming into the room reading it, and partly
               acquainted with the boys humor, coming often thither for his M. money, took a piece
               of chalk, &amp; wrote this rhyme by it. A wag thou art, none can prevent thee, And
               thy desert shall content thee: Let me divine, as I am, so in time thou'lt be the
               same. My adopted son therefore be, To enjoy my Clown’s suite after me. And see how it
               fell out: the Boy reading this, so loud <persName>Tarlton</persName> after, that
               regarding him with more respect, used to his plays, and fell in a league with his
               humor, and private practice brought him to present playing, and at this hour performs
               the same, where at the Globe on the bankside men may see him.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s greeting with Bankes his horse.</head>
            <p>There was one Bankes (in the time of <persName>Tarlton</persName> ) who served the
               Earle of Essex, &amp; had a horse of strange qualities: and being at the Crosse-keys
               in <placeName>Gracious street</placeName>, getting money with him (as he was mightily resorted
                  to:)<persName>Tarlton</persName> then (with his fellows) playing at the Bell by,
               came into the Crosse-keys amongst many people) to see fashions: which Bankes
               perceiving (to make the people laugh) says Signior (to his Horse) go fetch me the
               vergest fool in the company, the Iady comes immediately, and with his mouth draws
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> forth: <persName>Tarlton</persName> with merry words
               said nothing, but God a mercy Horse: in the end, <persName>Tarlton</persName> seeing
               the people laugh so, was angry inwardly, and said, Sir, had I power of your horse, as
               you have, I would do more than that. Where ever it be said Bankes (to please him) I
               will charge him to do it: then says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, charge him to bring
               me the biggest whore-master in this company. He shall says Bankes: Signior says he,
               bring M. <persName>Tarlton</persName> heere the verjest Whoremaster in the company:
               the Horse leads his master to him: then God a mercy Horse indeed, says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>: the people had much ado to keep peace, but Bankes
               &amp; <persName>Tarlton</persName> had like to squared, and the horse by to give aim:
               but ever after it was a by-word through London, God a mercy horse, and is to this
               day.</p></div>
            <div><head>An excellent jest of <persName>Tarlton</persName> suddenly spoken.</head>
            <p> At the Bull at Bishops-gate was a play of Henry the fifth, wherein the Judge was to
               take a box on the ear, and because he was absent that should take the blow:
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> himself (ever forward to please) took upon him to
               play the same Judge, besides his own part of the Clown: and Knell then playing Henry
               the fifth, hit <persName>Tarlton</persName> a sound box indeed, which made the people
               laugh the more, because it was he: butanone the Judge goes in, &amp; immediately
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> (in his Clowns clothes) comes out, and asks the
               Actors what news? O saith one, hadst thou been here, thou shouldst have seen Prince
               Henry hit the Judge a terribly▪ box on the ear: What man, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, strike a Judge? It is truly faith, said the other:
               no other like, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, and it could not be but terrible to
               the Judge, when the report so terrifies me, that me thinks the blow remains still on
               my cheek, that it burns again. The people laughed at this mightily, and to this day I
               have heard it commended for rare: but no marvel, for he had many of these. But I
               would see our Clowns in these days do the like, no I warrant ye, and yet they think
               well of themselves too.</p>
            </div>
               <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest with a Boy in the street.</head>
            <p>A Wag-halter Boy met <persName>Tarlton</persName> in the street, and said: Master
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> who lives longest? Marry Boy, says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, he that dies latest: and why die men so fast, said
               the Boy? because they want breath, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>: no rather said
               the Boy, because their time is come: then thy time is come, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, sée who comes yonder: Who? said the Boy: Marry said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, Bull the hangman: or one that would willingly be thy
               hangman: Nay, hang me then, if I employ him at this time, said the Boy. Well said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, then thou wilt be hanged by thy own confession, and
               so they parted.</p></div>
            <div><head> A jest of <persName>Tarlton</persName>, pouring Mustard to have wit.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> keeping an ordinary in <placeName>Paternoster row</placeName>, and sitting with
               Gentlemen to make them merry, would approve Mustard, (standing before them) to have
               wit: how so says one? It is like a witty scold, meeting another scold, knowing that
               scold will scold, begins to scold first, so says he, the Mustard being licked up, and
               knowing that you will bite it, begins to bite you first: I’ll try that says a Gull
               by, and the Mustard so tickled him, that his eyes watered: how now says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, does my jest savor? I, says the Gull, and bite too:
               if you had had better wit, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, you would have bit
               first: so then conclude with me, that dume unfeeling Mustard, hath more wit then a
               talking unfeeling fool as you are. Some were pleased and some were not, but all
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>s care was taken (for his resolution was such ever)
               before he talked any jest.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> tooke Tobacco at the first coming up of it.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> (as other Gentlemen used) at the first coming up of
               Tobacco, did take it more for fashion's sake then otherwise, and being in a room, set
               between two men overcome with wine, and they never seeing the like, wondered at it,
               and seeing the vapor come out of <persName>Tarlton</persName>’s nose, cried out,
               fire, fire, and threw a cup of <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Alcohol" xml:space="default">wine</objectName> in <persName>Tarlton</persName>s face: Make no
               more stir quoth <persName>Tarlton</persName>, the fire is quenched, if the Sheriffs
               come it will turn to a fine, as the costume is. And drinking that again, fie sayes
               the other, what a stinky it makes, I am almost poisoned: If it offend, sayes
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, lets everyone take a little of the smell, and so the
               savor will quickly go: but Tobacco whiffs made them leave him to pay all.</p></div>
         </div>
         <div>
            <head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s pretty country jests.</head>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s wit between a Bird and a Woodcock.</head>
            <p>In the city of Gloucester, Master Bird of the Chappell met with
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, who joyfully to regreet other, went to visit his
               friends: amongst the rest, M. Bird of <persName>the Queen</persName>s Chappell
               visited Master Woodcock of the College, where meeting, many friendly speeches passed,
               amongst which, M. Woodcock challenged M. Bird of kin: who mused that he was of his
               affinitie and he never knew it: yes says M. Woodcock, every Woodcock is a Bird,
               therefore it must needs be so. Lord, Sir, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, you are
               wide, for though every Woodcock be a Bird, yet every Bird is not a Woodcock. So M.
               Woodcock like a Woodcock bit his lip, and mum budged was silent.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest of a Gridiron.</head>
            <p>While <persName>the Queen</persName>’s Players lay in Worcester City to get money, it
               was his habit very often to sing extempore of Themes given him: amongst which they
               were appointed to play the next day: now one fellow of the City amongst the rest,
               that seemed quaint of conceit, to lead other youths with his fine wit, gave out that
               the next day he would give him a theme, to put him to a non plus: divers of his
               friends acquainted with the same, expected some rare conceit: Well, the next day
               came, and my gallant gave him his invention in two lines, which was this this: Me
               thinks it is a thing unfit. To see a Gridiron turn the spit. The people laughed at
               this, thinking his wit knew no answer there unto, which angered
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> exceedingly, and presently with a smile looking
               about, when they expected wonders, he put it off thus: Me thinks it is a thing unfit,
               To see an ass have any wit. The people hooted for joy, to see the Theme-giver dashed,
               who like a dog with his tail between his legs, left the place: But such commendations
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> got, that he supped with the Bailiff that night,
               where my Theamer durst not come, although he were sent for, so much he vexed at that
               unlooked for answer.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s answer in defense of his flat nose.</head>
            <p> I Remember I was once at a Play in the country, whereas <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               was, the Play being done, every one so pleased to throw up his Theme: amongst all the
               rest, one was read to this same effect, word by word. <persName>Tarlton</persName>, I
               am one of thy friends, and none of thy foes, Then I prithee tell how thou cam'st by
               thy flat nose: Had I been present at that time on those bankes, I would have laid my
               short sword over his longshanks. <persName>Tarlton</persName> mad at this question,
               as it was his property sooner to take such a matter ill then well, very suddenly
               returned him this answer: Friend or foe, if thou wilt needs know, marke me well With
               parting dogs &amp; beats, then by the ears, this chance fell: But what of that?
               though my nose be flat, my credit to save, Yet very well, I can by the smell, scent
               an honest man from a knave.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest of a Bristowman.</head>
            <p>When <persName>the Queen</persName>’s Players were restrained in Summer, they
               traveled down to S. James his Fair, at Bristowe, where they were worthily entertained
               both of Londoners, and those Citizens: it happened that a wealthy citizen, called M.
               Sunbanke, one morning secretly married his maid; but not so secret, but it was blown
               abroad: that morning, <persName>Tarlton</persName> and others, walking in the fair to
               visit his familiar friends of London, and being in company of Bristow men, they did
               see M. Sunbancke coming, who had this property with his neck, not to stir it any way,
               but to turn body &amp; all: it chanced at the fair end, he stood to piss against a
               wall: to whom <persName>Tarlton</persName> came, and clapping him on the shoulder,
               &amp;gt;God give you joy of your marriage, says he: M. Sunbanke being taken pissing against
               the wall, would have looked back to thank him, and suddenly turns about body and all,
               in the view of many, and shewed all: which so abasht him, that ashamed he took into a
               tavern, protesting that he had rather have spent ten pound: sure said the Vintner,
               the fault is in your neck, who will not turn without the bodies assistance, and not
               in M. <persName>Tarlton</persName>: Call you him M. <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               says M. Sunbancke? I Sir, says the Vintner, he is <persName>the Queen</persName>’s
               jester: he may be whose jester he will be, but this jest agrees not with me at this
               time.</p></div>
            <div><head> A jest broken of <persName>Tarlton</persName> by a Country Gentleman.</head>
            <p>In the country where <persName>the Queen</persName>’s Players were accepted into a
               Gentleman's house: the Waggon unloading of the apparel, the Waggoner comes to
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, &amp; doth desire him to speak to the Steward for
               his horses: I will says he, and coming to the Steward, Sir, says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, where shall our Horses spend the time? The Gentleman
               looking at <persName>Tarlton</persName> at that question, suddenly answered, if it
               please you, or them, let them walk a turn or two: or there is a fair Garden, let them
               play a game or two at bowles in the Alley, and departs thence about his other
               business. <persName>Tarlton</persName> commending the sudden wit of the steward, said
               little: but my Steward not quiet, tells to the Gentlewoman above, how he had driven
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> to a nonplus with a jest: whereat they all did laugh
               heartily: which a Seruingman loving <persName>Tarlton</persName> well, came and told
               him as much. <persName>Tarlton</persName> to add fuel to the fire, and loath to rest
               thus put off with a jest, goes and gets two of the horses into the Garden, and turns
               them into the Bowling Alley, who with their heels made havoc, being the Gentlemans
               only pastime: The Ladies above from a window, seeing horses in the Garden Alley, call
               the Knight, who cries out to <persName>Tarlton</persName>, Fellow, what meanest thou?
               nothing Sir, says he, but two of my horses are at seven up, for a peck of Provender,
               a foolish match that I made: now they being in play at bowles, run, run: your steward
               may come after and cry rub, rub: at which, though they smiled, yet the steward had no
               thanks for his labor, to set the horses to such an exercise: and they could not blame
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, who did but as he was bidden: but by this jest Oats
               and Hay, stable-roome, and all, was plenty.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> made one of his company utterly forswear
               drunkenness.</head>
            <p>At Salisbury <persName>Tarlton</persName> &amp; his fellows were to play before the
               Major &amp; his brethren: but one of his company, a young man was so drunk that he
               could not: whereat <persName>Tarlton</persName> as mad angry, as he was mad drunk,
               claps me on his legs a huge payer of boults: the fellow dead asleep felt nothing:
               when all was done, they conveyed him to the Iayle on a man's back, and intreated the
               Iayler to do God good service, and let him lie there till he waked. While they were
               about their sport the fellow waked, and finding himself in durance, and the Iayle
               hung round with bolts and shackles, he began to bless himself, and thought sure in
               his drunkenness he had done some mischief: with that he called to know, but none came
               to him, then he thought verely his fault was capital, and that he was close prisoner:
               by and by comes the keeper, and moaned him, that one so young should come to so
               shameful a death as hanging: anone, another comes, and another with the like, which
               further put him in a puzzle: but at last comes <persName>Tarlton</persName> and
               others, intreating the keeper, yet if it might be, that they might see their fellow
               wherever they went, but he very hardly was intreated, but at length the poor drunken
               Signior called out for them: in they come. Oh Tom, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               hard was thy hap in drunkenness to murder this honest man, and our hard hap too, to
               have it reported any of our company is hanged for it. O God, O God says the fellow,
               is my fault so great? then commend me to all my friends. Well, short tale to make,
               the fellow forswore drunkenness if he could escape, and by as cunning a while to his
               thinking, they got him out of prison by an escape, and sent him to London before, who
               was not a little glad he was gone: but see how this jest wrought, by little and
               little the fellow left his excessive drinking, and in time altered his desire of
               drunkenness.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> saved his head from cutting off.</head>
            <p>
               <persName>Tarlton</persName> upon a time being in the country, &amp; lodging in an
               homely inn, during which time there was a gentleman dwelling in the same town,
               somewhat frantic and distraught of his wits: which mad man on a sudden rushed into
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>s bed-chamber with his sword drawn, and finding him
               there in bed, would have slain him: saying, villain, were it not valiantly done to
               strike off thy knaves head at one blow? <persName>Tarlton</persName> answered, tut
               sir, that's nothing with your worship to do, you can as easily strike off two heads
               at one blow as one: wherefore, if you please, I’ll go down and call up another, and
               so you may strike off both our heads at once: the mad-man believed him, and so let
               him slip away.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> escaped imprisonment.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> having been domineering very late one night, with two of
               his friends, and coming homewards along Cheapside, the watch being then set: Master
               Constable asked, who goes there? three merry men, quoth <persName>Tarlton</persName>:
               that is not sufficient, what are you, quoth M. Constable? Why says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, one of us is an eye-maker, and the other a light
               maker: what sayst thou knave, doest mock me? The one is an eye-maker, the other a
               light maker, which two properties belong unto God only: commit these blasphemers
               quoth the Constable: Nay, I pray you good M. Constable be good in your Office, I will
               approve what I have said to be true. If thou canst, says the Constable, you shall
               pass, otherwise you shall be all three punished. Why quoth
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, this fellow is an eye-maker, because a Spectacle
               maker, and this other a maker of light, because a Chandler, that makes your darkest
               night as light as your Lanthorne. The Constable seeing them so pleasant, was we'll
               contented, the rest of the Watchmen laughed, and <persName>Tarlton</persName> with
               his two companions went home quietly.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> deceived a Country wench.</head>
            <p><persName>the Queen</persName>’s Players traveling into the West country to play, and
               lodging in a little village, some ten miles from Bristow, in which village dwelt a
               pretty nut-browne Lasse▪ to whom <persName>Tarlton</persName> made proffer of
               marriage, protesting that he came from London, purposely to marry her: the simple
               Maid being proud, to be beloved by such a one, whom she knew to be <persName>the
                  Queen</persName>’s man, without more intreaty yielded, &amp; being both at the
               Church together, and M. Parson ready to perform his duty, and coming to the words of
               I Richard take the Ioane: nay, stay good Master Parson, I will go and call my
               fellows, and come to you again: so going out of the Church in haste, returned at
               leisure; for having his horse ready saddled, he rode toward Bristow, and by the way
               told his fellows▪ of his success with his wench.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> went to kill Crowes.</head>
            <p>It chanced upon a time, as <persName>Tarlton</persName> went forth with a birding
               piece into the fields to kill Crowes, he spied a Daw sitting in a tree, at which he
               meant to shoot; but at the same instant, there came one by, to whom he spake in this
               manner: Sir, quoth he, yonder I see a Daw, which I will shoot at if she sit: if she
               sit, said the other, then she is a Daw indeed: but quoth
               <persName>Tarlton</persName>, if she sit not, what is she then? Marry quoth the
               other, a Daw also: at which words she immediately flew away: whereupon
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> spake merrily in a rhyme, as followeth: Whether a Daw
               sit, or whether a Daw flie, Whether a Daw stand, or whether a Daw lie, Whether a daw
               creeke, or whether a Daw crie, In what case soeuer a Daw perseuer. A Daw is a Daw,
               and a Daw shall be euer.</p></div>
            <div><head>How a poor Beggerman over-reached <persName>Tarlton</persName> by his wit.</head>
            <p>As <persName>Tarlton</persName> upon a day sat at his own door, to whom came a poor
               old man, &amp; begged a penny for the Lord’s sake, whereupon
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> having no single money about him, asked the beggar
               what money he had, no more money master but one single penny.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> being merrily disposed, called for this penny, and
               having received it, gave it to his boy to fetch a pot of Ale, whereat the Beggar grew
               blank, and began to gather up his wits how to get it again: the pot of <objectName cert="high" evidence="internal" full="yes" instant="unknown" type="Alcohol" xml:space="default">Ale</objectName> for the
               Beggars penny being brought, he proffered to drink to the beggar: nay stay awhile
               Master, quoth the beggar, the use is where I was born, that he that pays for the
               drink, must drink first: thou saist well quoth <persName>Tarlton</persName>, go to,
               Drink to me then: Whereupon the Beggar took the Pot, saying, here Master I drink to
               you, (and there with all drake off every drop) now Maister, if you will pledge me,
               send for it as I have done: <persName>Tarlton</persName> seeing himself so
               over-reached, greatly commended the wit, and withall in recompence there of, gave him
               a Teastor: with that the Beggar said, that he would most truly pray to God for him:
               no answered <persName>Tarlton</persName>, I pray the pray for thy selfe, for I take
               no vsury for Almes deeds.</p></div>
            <div><head>Of <persName>Tarlton</persName>s pleasant answer to a Gallant, by the high-way
               side.</head>
            <p>It was <persName>Tarlton</persName>s occasion another time to ride into Suffolke,
               being furnished with a very leane large horse: and by the way a lusty gallant met
               him, and in mockage, asked him, what a yard of his horse was worth? marry sit, quoth
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, I pray you alight and lift up my horse's tail, and
               they in that shop will tell you the price of a yard.</p></div>
            <div><head> How <persName>Tarlton</persName> would have drowned his wife.</head>
            <p>Upon a time, <persName>Tarlton</persName> and his wife (as passengers) came sailing
               from Southampton towards London, a mighty storm arose, and endangered the Ship,
               whereupon the Captain thereof, charged every man to throw into the sea the heaviest
               thing he could best spare, to the end to lighten somewhat the Ship:
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, that had his wife there, offered to throw her
               ouer-board, but the company rescued her, and being asked wherefore he meant so to do?
               he answered she was the heaviest thing I have, and I can best spare her.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> made his Will and Testament.</head>
            <p>Of late there was a Gentleman living in England, that where so ever he dined, would
               of every dish convey a modicum thereof into his Gownesléeue: which Gentleman being
               upon a time at dinner at a Gentleman’s house in the Country, there he used his
               aforesaid quality, in the company of M. <persName>Tarlton</persName>, who perceiving
               it, said thus unto the company: My masters, I am now determined before you all, to
               make my last Will and Testament: and first, I bequeath my soul to God my creator, and
               my body to be buried in the sleeve of yonder Gentleman's Gown: and with that stepping
               to him, he turned up the Gown sleeve, where out here dropt a bird, and there a bird,
               with choice of much other good cheer, he still shaking it, saying, I meant this
               sleeve Gentleman, this sleeve I meant.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> called a Gentleman Knave by craft.</head>
            <p> Within a while after, as the same Gentleman and <persName>Tarlton</persName> passed
               through a field together, a Crow in a tree cried, kaw, kaw: see yonder
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, quoth the Gentleman, yonder Crow calleth the knave:
               no sir (he answered) he beckons to your worship as the better man.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>s jest of a Country wench.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> going towards Hodgson, met a Country maid coming to
               market, her Mare stumbling down she fell over and over, shewing all that ever God
               sent her, and then rising up again, she turned her round about unto Master
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, and said, Gods body sir, did you ever see the like
               before? No in good sooth, quoth <persName>Tarlton</persName>, never but once in
               London.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> deceived an Inn-holder at Sandwich.</head>
            <p> Upon a time when the Players were put to silence, <persName>Tarlton</persName> and
               his boy frolicked so long in the Country, that all their money was gone, and being a
               great way from London, they knew not what to do; but as want is the whetstone of wit,
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> gathereth his conceit together, and practiced a trick
               to beare him up to London without money, &amp; thus it was: Unto an Inn in Sandwich
               they went, and there lay for two days at great charge, although he had no money to
               pay for the same: the third morning he bad his man go down and male-content himself
               before his Host and his Hostess, &amp; mumbling say to himself, Lord▪ Lord, what a
               scalde master do I serve, this it is to serve such Seminary Priests and jesuits, now
               even as I am an honest boy, I’ll leave him in the lurch, and shift for my self:
               here's a do about penance and mortification, as though (forsooth) Christ hath not
               died enough for all: The boy mumbled out these his instructions so dissembling, that
               it strook a jealousy in the Inne-holders heart, that out of doubt his master was a
               Seminary Priest; whereupon he presently sent for the Constable, and told him all the
               foresaid matter, and so went vp both together to attach <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               in his chamber, who purposely had shut himselfe close in, and betaken him to his
               knees, and to his crosses, to make the matter seem more suspicious, which they spying
               through the Key-hole, made no more ado, but in they rushed, and arrested him for a
               Seminary Priest, discharged his score, bore his, and his boys charges up to London,
               and there in hope to have rich rewards, presented him to M. Fleetwood, the old
               Recorder of London: but now marke the jest; when the Recorder saw
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, and knew him passing well, entertained him very
               courteously, and all to be fooled the Inne-holder and his mate, and sent them away
               with fleas in their ears: but when <persName>Tarlton</persName> saw himself
               discharged out of their hands, he stood jesting and pointing at their folly, and so
               taught them by cunning more wit and thrift against another time.</p></div>
            <div><head> Of <persName>Tarlton</persName>'s wrongful accusation.</head>
            <p>Upon a time, <persName>Tarlton</persName> was wrongfully accused for getting of a
               gentleman's maid with child, and for the same brought before a justice in Kent, which
               justice said as followeth : It is a marvel, M. <persName>Tarlton</persName>, that
               you, being a gentleman of good quality, and one of her majesty's servants, would
               venture thus to get maids with child. Nay, rather, quoth
               <persName>Tarlton</persName>, were it marvel, if a maid had gotten me with child.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName> deceived by a country wench.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> traveling to play abroad, was in a town where, in the
               inn, was a pretty maid, whose favor was placed in a corner of
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>'s affection: and talking with her, she appointed to
               meet him at the bottom of a pair of stairs. Night and the horse came, and the maid
               subtly sent down her mistress ; whom <persName>Tarlton</persName> catching in his
               arms, Art come, wench ? says hee. Out, alas, says the mistress, not knowing who it
               was. <persName>Tarlton</persName>, hearing it was the mistress, started aside, and
               the maid came down with a candle, and she spied a glimpse of
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> in the dark, who stepped into another room. How now,
               mistress ? said the maid. Something, said she, frightened me ; some man, sure, for I
               heard him speak. No, no, mistress, said the maid ; it is no man ; it was a bull calf
               that I shut into a room till J oho, our pounder, came to have pounded him for a
               stray. Had I thought that, saith she, I would have hit him such a knock on his
               forehead that his home should never have graced his coxcombe ; and so she departs up
               again, afraid. But how <persName>Tarlton</persName> tooke this jest, think you.</p></div>
            <div><head> How <persName>Tarlton</persName> could not abide a cat, and deceived himself.</head>
            <p> In the country, <persName>Tarlton</persName> told his hostess he was a conjuror. 0,
               sir, says she, I had pewter stolen off my shelf the other day; help me to it, and I
               will forgive you all the pots of ale you owe me, which is sixteen dozen. Sayes
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, Tomorrow morning the devil shall help you to it, or
               I will trounce him. Morning came, and the oastesse and he met in a room by
               themselves. <persName>Tarlton</persName>, to pass the time with exercise of his wit,
               with circles and tricks falls to conjure, having no more skill than a dog. But see
               the jest, how contrarily it fell out: as he was calling out, mons, pons, simul, and
               sons, and such like, a cat, unexpected, leapt from the gutter window ; which sight so
               amazed <persName>Tarlton</persName>, that he skipt thence and threw his hostess
               downe, so that he departed with his fellowes, and left her hip out of joint, being
               then in the surgeons hands, and not daring to tell how it came.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> and his hostess of Waltham met.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName>, riding with divers citizens, his friends, to make merry
               at Waltham, by the way he met with his hostess, riding toward London, who he of old
               acquaintance saluted. She demands whither they went. <persName>Tarlton</persName>
               told her, to make merry at Waltham. Sir, says she, then let me request your company
               at my house, at the Christopher, and, for old familiarity, spend your money there.
               Not unless you go back, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>. We will else go to the
               Hound. But she, loth to lose their custom, sent to London by her man, and goes back
               with them ; who by the way had much mirth, for she was an exceeding merry honest
               woman, yet would take anything : which <persName>Tarlton</persName> hearing, as wise
               as he was, thinking her of his mind, he was deceived : yet he asked her if the
               biggest bed in her house were able to hold two of their bigness ; meaning himself and
               her. Yes, says she, and tumble up and down at pleasure. Yea, one upon another, says
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>. And under, to, says she. Well, to have their custom,
               she agreed to everything, like a subtill hostess : and it fell so out that
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, having her in a room at her house, asked her which
               of those two beds were big enough for them two. This, said she : therefore, go to
               bed, sweet-heart, I'll come to thee. Masse, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, were
               my boots off, I would, indeed. I’ll help you, sir, says she, if you please. Yea,
               thought <persName>Tarlton</persName>, is the wind in that doore? Come on, then. And
               she very diligently begins to pull, till one boot was half off. Now, says she, this
               being hard to doe, let me try my cunning on the other, and so get off both. But,
               having both half of his legs, she left. him alone in the shoemaker's stocks, and got
               her to London, where <persName>Tarlton</persName> was three hours, and had no help.
               But, being eased of his pain, he made this rhyme for a theme, singing of it all the
               way to London :- Women are wanton, and hold it no sinne, By tricks and devices to
               pull a man in.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName> and the Hostess of Waltham met</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> rode with a group of friends, and citizens to go to
               Waltham, courtesy of his Hostess while riding toward London.</p>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s meeting with his country acquaintance at Ilford.</p>
            <p>On a Sunday, <persName>Tarlton</persName> road to ilford, where his father kept; and,
               dining with them at his sisters, there came in divers of the country to see him,
               amongst whom was one plain country plough-jogger, who said he was of
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>'s kin, and so called him cousin. But
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> demanded of his father if it were so. But he knew no
               such matter. Whereupon, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, whether he be of my kin or
               no, I will be cousin to him ere we part, if all the drink in Ilford will do it. So
               upon this they carouse freely, and the clown was then in his cue, so that, in brief,
               they were both in soundly. Night came, and <persName>Tarlton</persName> would not let
               his cousin go, but they would lay together that night, meaning to drink at their
               departure next morning. <persName>Tarlton</persName> would by wit leave him in the
               lash, since power would not. But see the jest. That night the plaine fellow so ....
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> in his bed, thinking he had been against the church
               wall, that he was faine to cry for a fresh shirt to shift. him. So, when all was
               well, they must needs drink at parting : where, indeed, to seal kindred soundly, the
               fellow had his load; for, hearing that his cousin <persName>Tarlton</persName> was
               gone to London, Zounds, he would follow, that he would, none could hold him; and,
               meaning to go towards London, his aim was so good, that he went towards Rumford to
               sell his hogs.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s answer to a question.</head>
            <p>One asked <persName>Tarlton</persName> why Monday was called Sunday’s fellow! Because
               he is a saucy fellow, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, to compare with that holy
               day. But it may be Monday thinks himself Sunday’s fellow, because it follows Sunday,
               and is next after: but he comes a day after the fair for that. Nay, says the fellow,
               but if two Sundays fall together, Monday then may be the first, and it would shew
               well too. Yes, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, but if thy nose stood under thy
               mouth, it would shew better, and be more for thy profit. How for my profit, said the
               fellow ? Marry, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, never to be cold in winter, being
               so near every dog's tale. The fellow seeing a foolish question had a foolish answer,
               laid his legs on his neck, and got him gone.</p></div>
            <div><head>Somebody once asked <persName>Tarlton</persName> why Monday was called Sunday’s
               fellow! “Because he is a saucy fellow,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “to
               compare with that holy day But it may be Monday thinks himself Sunday’s fellow,
               because it follows Sunday, and is next after: but he comes a day after the fair for
               that.” “Nay,” says the fellow, “but if two Sundays fall together, Monday then may be
               the first, and it would shew well too.” “Yes,” says <persName>Tarlton</persName>,
               “but if thy nose stood under thy mouth, it would shew better, and be more for thy
               profit.” “How for my profit?” said the fellow. “Marry”, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, “never to be cold in winter, being so near every
               dog's tale.” The fellow seeing a foolish question had a foolish answer, laid his legs
               on his neck, and got him gone.</head></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s desire of enough for money.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> coming into a market town bought oats for his horse, and
               desired enough for money : the man said, You shall, sir, and gave him two half pecks
               for one. <persName>Tarlton</persName> thought his horse should that night fare
               largely, and comes to him with this rime:- Jack Nag, be brag, and lustie brave it, I
               have enough for mony, and thou shalt have it. But when Jack Nag smelt to them they
               were so musty that he would none : God thank you, master : which
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> seeing, runs into the Market, and would slash and
               cut. But til the next market day the fellow was not to be found, and before then
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> must be gone.</p></div>
            <div><head>How <persName>Tarlton</persName>'s dog licked up six-pence.</head>
            <p>,<persName>Tarlton</persName> in his travel had a dog of fine qualities ; amongst the
               rest, he would carry sixpence in the end of his tongue, of which he would brag often,
               and say, Never was the like. Yes, says a lady, mine is more strange, for he will bear
               a French crown in his mouth. No, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, I think not. Lend
               me a French crown, says the lady, and you shall see. Truly, madame, I have it not,
               but if your dog will carry a cracked English crown here it is. But the lady perceived
               not the jest, but was desirous to see the dogs trick of sixpence.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> threw down a teaster, and said, Bring, sir, and by
               fortune the dog took up a counter, and let the money lie. A gentlewoman by, seeing
               that, asked him how long he would hold it! An hour, says
               <persName>Tarlton</persName>. That is pretty, said the gentlewoman, let's see that.
               Meantime she took up the six-pence, and willed him to let them see the money again ;
               when he did see it it was a counter, and he made this rhyme :- Alas, alas, how came
               all this to passe ! The world's worse than it was ; For silver turns to brasse. I,
               says the lady, and the dog hath made his master an ass. But
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> would never trust to his dogs tricks more.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s jest of a horse and a man.</head>
            <p>In the city of Norwich, <persName>Tarlton</persName> was on a time invited to an
               hunting, where there was a goodly gentlewoman, that bravely mounted on a black horse,
               rode exceeding well, to the wonder of all the beholders ; and neither hedge nor ditch
               stood in her way, but Pegasus, her horse, for so may we term him for swiftness, flew
               over all, and she sat him as well. When everyone returned home, some at supper
               commended he hound, others his hawk and she above all, her horse. And, said she, I
               love no living creature so well, at this instant, as my gallant horse. Yes, lady, a
               man better, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>. Indeed no, said she, not now ; for
               since my last husband died I hate them most, unless you can give me medicines to make
               me love them. <persName>Tarlton</persName> made this jest instantly :- Why, a horse
               mingeth whay, madam, a man mingeth amber, A horse is for your way, madam, but a man
               for your chamber. Why, a horse mingeth whay, madam, a man mingeth amber, A horse is
               for your way, madam, but a man for your chamber. That a horse is my chief opinion
               now, I deny not, And when a man doth me more good in my chamber I him defy not. But
               till then give me leave to love something. Then something will please you, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, I am glad of that, therefore I pray God send you a
               good thing or none at all.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s talk with a pretty woman.</head>
            <p>Gentlewoman, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, and the rest as you sit, I can tell
               you strange things : now many gallants at supper noted one woman, who being little
               and pretty, to unfit her prettiness had a great wide mouth, which she seeming to
               hide, would pinch in her speeches, and speak small, but was desirous to hear news.
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> told at his coming from London to Norwich, a
               proclamation was made that every man should have two wives. Now Jesus, qd. she, is it
               possible? Ay gentlewoman, and otherwise able too, for contrarily women have a larger
               preeminence, for every woman must have three husbands. Now Jawsus, said the
               gentlewoman, and with wonder shewes the full widenesse of her mouth, which all the
               table smil'd at ; which she perceiving, would answere no more. Now mistress, said
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, your mouth is less than ever it was, for now it is
               able to say nothing. Thou art a cogging knave, said she. Masse, and that is
               something, yet, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, your mouth shall be as wide as
               ever it was for that jest.</p></div>
            <div><head>A jest of <persName>Tarlton</persName> to a great man.</head> <p>There was a great huge man,
               three yards in the wast, at <placeName>S. Edmondsbury</placeName>, in
                  <placeName>Suffolk</placeName>, that died but of late daies, one M. Blague, by
               name, and a good kinde justice, too, carefull for the poore : this justice met with
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName> in <placeName>Norwich</placeName> ;
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, said he, give me thy hand. But you, sir, being
               richer , may give me a greater gift, give me your body, and embracing him, could not
               halfe compasse him. Being merry in talke, said the justice ,
                  <persName>Tarlton</persName>, tell me one thing, what is the difference betwixt a
               flea and a louse? Marry, sir, said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, as much and like
               difference as twixt you and me : I, like a flea, see else, can skip nimbly, but you,
               like a fat louse, creepe slowly, and you can go no faster, though butchers are over
               you, ready to knock you on the head. Thou art a knave, quoth the justice. I, sir, I
               knew that, ere I came hither, else I had not been here now, for ever one knave,
               making a stop, seekes out another. The justice, understanding him, laughed
               heartily.</p></div>
            <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s jest to a maid in the dark .</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> going in the darke , groping out his way, heares the
               tread of some one to meet him. Who goes there, says he, a man or a monster! Said the
               maid, a monster. Said <persName>Tarlton</persName>, a candle hoe ; and seeing who it
               was, Indeed, said he, a monster, I'le be sworne, for thy teeth are longer than thy
               beard. 0, sir, said the man, speake no more then you see, for women goe invisible now
               adayes.</p></div>
           <div><head><persName>Tarlton</persName>'s jest to a dog.</head>
            <p><persName>Tarlton</persName> and his fellowes, being in the Bishop of Worcester's
               sellar, and being largely laid to, <persName>Tarlton</persName> had his rouse, and
               going through the streets, a dogge, in the middle of the street, asleep on a
               dunghill, seeing <persName>Tarlton</persName> reele on him, on the sodaine barkt. How
               now, dog, says <persName>Tarlton</persName>, are yon in your humours! and many daies
               after it was a by-word to a man being drunke, that he was in his humours.</p></div>

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